(portrait of the artist's mother - juan gris, 1912)1 My mommy lost her belly button boating in Bruges one year,
2 The Belgians found it for her in the old cathedral there.
3 After that in Amsterdam she misplaced her elbow,
4 A Dutch milkmaid discovered it, down where tulips grow.
5 Pushing onto Paris she couldn't find her chin
6 But under the Eiffel Tower she found it there again.
7 Meandering in Munich her hips they went astray,
8 A polite German policeman retrieved them the next day.
9 She wandered all through Europe for that summer long,
10 Losing bodyparts and wondering what was wrong.
11 Then one night in London town she met a fellow traveller,
12 He had lost most of himself and yet was filled with laughter.
13 She asked why do you laugh so much when most of you is gone?
14 He said, with each lost piece of me I find where I belong.
15 From that moment, mommy wandered with bright knowing eyes,
16 Losing little bits of her but growing young and wise.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to suggest improvements and point out what you think is wrong with the above 'work in progress'.
Help!
For more information ...
juan gris
7 comments:
The poem has no significance and thanks for the Spike Milligan reference. Spike is much more silly than I ever could hope to be but I really admire him, his life and work.
I do see some problems with the poem.
(1) a very slight problem in cadence on line 4
(2)there are 4 occurences of the word find/found which is perhaps a little too frequent usage
(3) the rhythm of the poem is constant and unchanging, I feel there should be a downward shift in the last few lines. Essentially it goes along at the same speed and then just stops.
(4) the ending is perhaps a little force/contrived. I should not strive so hard for a conclusion
So now you have had some guidance any thoughts on changing it?
I don't recll mum going to Bruges when was this?
Sometime after Copehagen and before Zaragoza :-)
On reflaction the previous comments were not exactly what u asked for. I like the absurd silly inded whimsical nature of the ode. In fact absurdity is a recurring theme on this blog to my way of reading. There is a kinda loose end or hollow silence at the end of the third and fourth line the second half of each line should i think be a little longer... drop "there" from line six...maybe also "the" from line eight...maybe "polite" too....try "all" in place of "for that" in line nine losing the first "all" and then drop "and" in line Ten. how about starting line 11 with "one" and put "Who" in place "He " in the next line....maybe make lines 13 and 14 qoutes standing alone.. anyway here goes a few changes.... it is much easier to edit than to compose ... well done!
Mommy lost her belly button boating in Bruges one year,
The Belgians found it for her in the old cathedral there.
After that in Amsterdam she misplaced her elbow,
A Dutch milkmaid discovered it, down where tulips grow.
Pushing onto Paris she couldn't find her chin
But under the Eiffel Tower she found it again.
Meandering in Munich her hips they went astray,
A German policeman retrieved them, next day!
She wandered throughout Europe all summer long,
Losing bodyparts,wondering what was wrong!
One night in London town she met atraveller,
Who'd lost most of himself but yet was filled with laughter.
"How come you laugh so much when most of you is gone?
"Ahhh ... with each piece lost, I find where I belong.
So mommy wandered with bright and knowing eyes,
Losing little bits but growing young and wise.
and hey i love the end it's good
another few tweeks what dya think??
Mommy lost her belly button in Lower Bruges one year,
The Belgians found it for her in the old cathedral there.
After that in Amsterdam her elbow went astray,
A Dutch milkmaid came upon it, down where tulips sway.
Pushing onto Paris she couldn't find her chin
Til under the Eiffel Tower there it was again!
Meandering round Munich her hips they slipped away,
A German soldier retrieved them, the very next day!
She wandered about Europe all summer long,
Losing bodyparts, wondering what was wrong!
One night in London town she met a roving boy,
He'd lost most of himself but yet was filled with joy.
"How are you full of zest when most of you is gone?
"Ahhh with each piece lost,
I find where I belong".
So now she wanders round,
with bright and knowing eyes,
Losing little bits,
Growing young and wise.
maybe too much tweeking methinks as I read back (?)
Great feedback.
Here are my thoughts on your latest incarnation.
1. I prefer to include the 'boating' idea in the first line, the alliteration makes it flow off the tongue easily and quickly establishes a rhythm to the poem.
2. I like your reworking of line 3 but think that line 4 contains one syllable too many. 'discovered' seems to fit better than 'came upon', it also build on the allierative quality of the line 1.
3. I like your line 5 and 6. I would just drop the exclamation mark from line 6
4. On line 7 I prefer to keep the 'meandering in munich' phrase the 'ing' and 'in' are slightly assonant. I would choose to keep my original line 8 as it works with my original line 7.
5. I like your line 9 and 10.
6. I prefer my line 11 and 12, the 'roving boy' you introduce gives a different flavour than my 'fellow traveller'. Fellow traveller also creates a stronger identification between the two people.
7. Your lines 13, 14 and 15 are good but I would rework them a little, see below.
8. I think I would keep my orginal line 15 and 16.
So, let's put it all together and see what balderdash we have come up with.
-----------------------
1 My mommy lost her belly button boating in Bruges one year,
2 The Belgians found it for her in the old cathedral there.
3 After that in Amsterdam her elbow went astray,
4 A Dutch milkmaid discoverd it, down where tulips sway.
5 Pushing onto Paris she couldn't find her chin
6 'Til under the Eiffel Tower there it was again.
7 Meandering in Munich her hips they went astray,
8 A polite German policeman retrieved them the next day.
9 She wandered about Europe all summer long,
10 Losing bodyparts, wondering what was wrong!
11 Then one night in London town she met a fellow traveller,
12 He had lost most of himself and yet was filled with laughter.
13 "How come you are so full of joy when most of you is gone?
14 "You see, with each lost piece of me, I find where I belong".
15 From that moment, mommy wandered with bright knowing eyes,
16 Losing little bits of her but growing young and wise.
-----------------------------
So let's see how the latest version deals with the original problems I posted.
The cadence of line 4 seems improved. 4 occurences of find/found reduced to 3. The poems rhythm is no longer constant, it has a definite shift in lines 9 and 10. Perhaps upon reflection the ending is not as contrived.
So has it improved? I will have to read it a few times and think further on it.
Thanks for the input, the exercise has been very interesting, there was much more room for improving it and changing it than I had realized.
Post a Comment